:: Grey Eyed Demon ::

Everybody Came, But Nobody Showed Up
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:: Wednesday, June 16, 2004 ::

I can't believe I haven't posted this link this whole time...

I only came here to post the link to my LiveJournal, as for some reason I forgot to do so.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/laseroption
:: Beni 1:26 PM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, March 04, 2004 ::
I think that I could post more if I wasn't so damn serious every time I post. =) I don't have to wave any flags. Anyway, I'm having a lot of fun.

Getting to see a lot of new anime. We just finished up Shingetsutan Tsukihime, Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex, and Bottle Fairy. We've got a lot of other stuff we're watching right now, too, like Blue Gender and my current fave, Kare Kano.

I've really gotten into sentai and tokusatsu. Sentai is the source of the American Power Rangers. For example, the current series over here is Power Rangers: Dino Thunder. Over in Japan it was Bakuryu Sentai Abaranger. Needless to say, for the most part, the Japanese version is very superior.

Currently, my favorite tokusatsu (superhero) show is Kamen Rider 555. Big focus on characters, and the fights are short and stylish. Other faves are Chou Seishin GranSazer and the new live-action Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon.

I'm dying to see the rest of the original Mobile Suit Gundam. I'm trying to find a torrent or something for it, as I've only seen the first half.
:: Beni 9:31 PM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, January 18, 2004 ::
Subject: Absinthe of Faith

Wow... has it really been two months?

Anyway, I think it's about time to start writing in this thing again. Changes they are a-comin'.

First of all, I'm doing okay, minus work, of course. No matter how hard I try, that aspect usually sucks while I'm here. That's why I'm changing jobs... But we'll get to that when there's more to say.

Christmas was good to me. It's ironic, since my job was taking up all my time, I was always tired, money was always an issue, and a whole lot of other shit was coming down hard during December, but Christmas couldn't have turned out better. We got everyone good gifts, and we got some good ones, too. I was able to acquire a PS2 and a whole lot of new GameCube and GBA games, so that was a bonus as well.

New Years was nice. We went to my Sisters for a big party, but I was able to take Kenn-Kenn with me (visiting here for Holiday from the A-har-mee). It was really good getting to hang out with Kenn again. Some people my relationship is the same online as offline with, but Kenn is one of those people where we just have more fun and get along so much better when we're face to face. We had a blast chatting it up and putting some quality 2-Player Co-Op time into Mario Kart: Double Dash. ^_^ We were also able to call Pehter to tell him Happy New Years, but he was on duty (sucks). It was still good to hear his voice, though.

Anyway... it appears that Sama has had her bay-bee. I got a message from her on our voicemail a week ago, and she said she'd call back the next day. I was home the whole day and off the phone line and never heard it ring. I wished she'd called me back... I was hoping to hear how things were going.

At any rate, we finally, miraculously got our Broadband back. Months of being pissed and the problem ended up being mine after all. After doing what I originally planned (replacing the Ethernet card), everything worked peachy keen. Ironically, we're finally getting our wireless service next week, and the T-1 may be shut off as a result. Then we'll have to pay an $80 deposit just to use one of their wireless hubs, and that's money we just don't have right now. Jessica's hours have been cut and mine as well. Money is tight, and that's just not on the list right now.

Speaking of that... I'm on a diet. I've gained back some of my lost weight, and I'm ready to lose it, so I started a diet last week. It's very similar to the Atkins Diet, without the propaganda and money-sucking supplements and Doctor visits. I've already lost poundage, though I don't know how much. I weigh in on Tuesday. Regardless, I'm losing a lot of weight, as my shirts and pants fit better, and I can visually see improvement in my midsection and face. I'm quite excited about it. ^,^

Well, even with some good things happening, the bad always comes in to rain on the parade. I've actually been quite angry lately. I'm becoming more and more upset at the changes in our government, especially the integration of overly moralistic values and Christian beliefs into our laws and policies. I mean, since when was this government run on the idea that free speech is good only up to a point? Whenever the government tries to push down on our free speech, we just go nuts on them, and they back off. Isn't that what history has proven about us? If nothing else, don't take away that freedom of speech, right? Well, I thrive off of that freedom, and now Bush and his asshole cohorts have stepped in and decided to tell us what's right and wrong.

When did the Thought Police arrive? Since when am I on trial for thinking or feeling a certain way? I mean, words are the one thing that they CANNOT outlaw. We can say what we want, about whatever we like, whenever we feel like it. It's not a privelege, it's a damn RIGHT in this country. I don't think any bible-thumping Christian with his head up his ass should be able to tell me what to think, or that the things I'm feeling are wrong. I mean, is the entire world DRUNK or something? Have they been sneaking into Mom and Pop's liquor cabinet and sipping off the funny green stuff? It seems like we'd be fighing a hell of a lot harder against this, but everyone is so drunk off our 'victory' (sarcasm?) in Iraq, they'd let Dubya jack off in their hair and thank him for the privelege.

I mean, here's an example of how petty this is getting. Certain educational websites based around that dirty, dirty little thing we call SEX are being threatened by the government due to their 'questionable content'. They're being told that they have to prove that they stand as a moralistically sound and beneficial resource (whatever that means) or they'll be thoroughly investigated and possibly shut down. I find this very idea to be amazingly un-American. Who are they trying to persecute? What have these people done wrong except to help educate our youth about the reality of sex? I've actually read through a website such as this that has been shut down for just such a reason, and no wrongdoing was ever recorded. They shut down out of fear based on letters and emails recieved from the government, threatening them in the manner I've described. Obviously, they don't plan to fight the government, because they know they cannot win. They'd either run out of money fighting them, as they are a non-profit organization, or they'd lose and possibly be be 'investigated', maybe even having their lives exposed and ruined.

I mean, does Bush get laid at all? Maybe his wife's legs are permanently crossed, and he's way too scared to go out and get himself a hooker right and proper. Or maybe, he really is just a big prude. It seems that he has more against sex than he does against terrorism. Being a person who contributes to the 'Adult Industry', I find it very unnerving that one day Bush and his Buddies may be attacking my own works during his next four years in office (like he's not going to get reelected by the hypnotised masses or something.

Anyway, I have a serious lack of faith in our Government right now. If things keep going this way, I think I may just end up taking that trip to Japan we've been planning - and make it a one way trip.
:: Beni 12:36 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, November 18, 2003 ::
Subject: Red Soda in a Green Bottle

It's strange how subtle life's changes are. It seems more and more like I can't honestly update this blog. I feel very vulnerable on it. It feels like I can't be completely honest.

I once thought that this Blog was safe. One or two friends knew about it, and most of what I said on it could be viewed by the blog reading public and everything would be fine. Now, I'm not so sure.

I have many readers now, and some were not intended. Some people have looked me up on the internet and found my blog by looking up information about me. I don't have a problem with that fact, but I do have a problem with exposure. I've been overexposed to too many people, and the result is that I cannot talk about all that happens in my life without possibly damaging relationships with people that I have who read this blog.

My life has taken a different turn than I imagined it would. I have delved into a new set of interests and have a new and a more optimistic outlook on life. However, I do not wish to divulge a great deal of that information here. Sad as it may be, I'm forced to say this.

I have no plans to shut this blog down or leave it. However, regular readers should expect that I will not update this blog frequently. In fact, you should expect it to be about what it has been for the last few months - about once every four weeks to a month. This is the real reason I haven't been updating as much lately. Too much I don't want to say.

Anyway... I hope those who read this blog understand, and just remember... I'm not gone. Just... not completely here.

Cheers.
:: Beni 9:15 PM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, October 12, 2003 ::
Subject: Andrew Dice Clay in a Cultist Outfit

Ever notice how James Maynard Keenan can totally make anyone an angst-filled ragemonster just by listening to two or three songs?

I just saw ADC on VH1 in what appeared to be some kind of outfit that a cultist would wear. Or a fake ninja. He had fingerless gloves on and a jacket that had shoulderpads that jutted out to the sides. It looked like he had a hood that could be drawn up over his head and face for occult ceremonies. I have trouble believing ADC would be that kind of guy, but hey, if he's really doing it... isn't that one of the 42 signs of the Apocalypse? Let me check the list...

31) Andrew Dice Clay reveals he is part of a dark occult circle of Devil worshippers. Does his bit for the Grand Huzzach of his Sect; is beheaded for crimes against his Unholiness, the Prince of Evil.

Yep.

I'm listening to 'Magdalena' from ~A Perfect Circle~. Still my favorite song off of 'Mer De Noms'. I am filled with angsty rage. And rib sandwich.



See the new picture? I need a haircut. I also need less frustration. I'm in an odd mood today. I'm antsy. I feel like I want to do something, but nothing I do sits right with me. I started drawing and I couldn't get the image in my head on paper. I started to watch TV but even things I like I didn't want to watch. Listening to music soothed the beast, until I played the Tool album 'Lateralus'. Now I just want to take revenge on everyone who ever wronged me. You go Keenan. Keep doing what you're doing. I love it.

Jessica's Birthday is Tuesday. We're going to do something fun, I'm sure. Just thought I'd mention it before I went back into my strange thought pattern.

Anyway, I feel more out-of-it right now than I have in a long time. It's just been over the last couple of hours, too. Bothers me because I was so happy all day. Now it seems like everything is bothering me. I should probably just call it a night.

Anyway, did I mention that I started watching Power Rangers again last month? I did. I don't know why I ever stopped. It's half corny, half kick-ass. Three-quarters Japanese and a Quarter American. It's Part Eighties, Part Nineties, and it's in my soul. Oh, God. It's in my GODDAMN SOUL.

I have Power Rangers: Ninja Storm... Pillowcases.

Add that to the Hello Kitty toothbrush.

I am FUCKED UP.

I'm going to carry pennies in my pocket so that I can always give people my two cents before I tell them how stupid they are.
:: Beni 11:55 PM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, October 07, 2003 ::
Subject: Waxing Nostalgic

I've been on a non-stop trip down memory lane as of late. I guess it comes more strongly with age. I mean, the year is ending, and as cooler temperatures descend upon our parched Texas plains, rumblings of the upcoming holidays begin. Thanksgiving and X-mas always prove to be the most memorable holidays for me, and they are merely a month apart. Add to that the turning of the year, and you have yourself a varitable smorgasbord of memories clumped into a relatively short period of time.

I think this is the first time in years that I'm not dreading the holidays in some fashion. For the last five years (sans the past X-mas) it was filled with a very nervous sort of happiness. It's the kind that comes when you live in the sort of volatile environment that we had back then. The slightest things can ignite that powder keg, and so you're always on edge, gleefully laughing more from the tension sheeting off of you as from actual amusement. The laughing is the only thing that keeps you from crying. It's times like that when I feel truly fortunate to be able to give a gift to someone else, because that's the only real good that comes of it.

This year, what with those troubled times long gone and issues with my Father currently behind me, I am somewhat optimistic about things. However, at the same time, I am forced to look back over the years, remembering the people and events that shape them in my memory.

Side note: I've gotten really cynical as of late. I blame that on circumstance, as I'd strived not to become a cynic. Firstly on my blame list is simply the aforementioned past few years. They've not instilled a deep faith in humanity within me. I think that my whole perspective on life, for better or worse, has been permanently skewed by the events that took place down in Angleton. From neck to nuts, that's truly what did it. I'm not talking about the whole shoot that had Jeff guffawing a few months back about being a jaded gamer. That was not a big surprise. I just think that the last few years, coupled with the mounting volume of apathetic mooks in this country that are stepping up to fill the shoes of my generation have turned me into a seething cynic. I am aware that that may have been something of a run-on, but let's not argue sentence structure here. I just felt like expressing myself there.

Surprisingly, I've been thinking more about Harris lately than anyone. Figure that one out. I barely hear from him. On top of pretty much hating electronic communication, he's so busy that he can't respond to what I send him without letting a week or more pass. No sarcasm intended, seriously. That's just the way things are. I can't imagine it being any better via telephone or any other form of distance-based communcation. This is, as stated, simply the way things are, and I see no reason to desire more than this simple bit of exchange. It's at least nice to know what he's up to now and again.

So maybe it's my limited contact with him that sparks the flood of memories. I don't have anything new to put in the mental 'Harris Folder' so to speak, so my mind keeps pushing up old things. Some of the many years of memories I have include Harris playing a large part. I grew up with Harris. Kids, Teenagers, Adults. That growth period. Hard to shake those mems.

Funny thing is, something my Dad said a long time ago rings true in this situation. He said that no matter how many good things you do in this world, it's the bad things you do that people will remember you by. John and I have had a great deal of animosity build between us over the years, and it hasn't really lessened. It just got pushed to the side. I don't personally have a problem with Harris, and I don't think he has a real problem with me, but all of that animosity didn't just go away. I can still feel it. Call it a hunch. With my luck, it's more like foreshadowing. I see something on the horizon between he and I, and I'm not getting a good vibe off of it.

Based on my contact with him as of late, he still seems very quick to judge, and he still judges in a fashion that I find unsettlingly similar to our younger days. One reason I stepped out of that circle was to avoid the chaos and the frustration that came with being in that situation. When he emailed me (out of the blue) with a message that sounded like vintage Harris, circa 1993, it was like I was back in High School again. With that came the same impotent rage I felt back then - being unfairly judged and immaturely criticised, in a message rife with cheap shots and attempted insults. I say impotent due to the fact that there was never any reasoning with him back then. Apparently, there still wasn't in that situation. He says he didn't mean to send the message, but all that says to me is that he typed up how he really felt and decided to try and send me a sugar-coated jellybean of joy instead. It just made me chalk up another mark on the "That's Just John" board. Taking tally of the score of "Signs of Old John" vs "Signs of a Changed John", Old John is pretty much the landslide victor in this situation.

Am I complaining? Actually, no, I'm not. I'm stating these facts in plain view of Harris himself, who used this blog to gather information about me before launching that insult-tipped missile into my Inbox. It's just how I feel about it. I'm actually leading into a theory that I have recently been bouncing around:

I think that Harris and I simply bring out both the best and worst in each other. From years of familiarity comes the freedom to say or do anything, knowing full well the consequences of the actions one takes. John often chooses to blow off steam in a heated fashion, whether or not he means the things he says. His open disdain for things that I find appealing shows truth in his abusive statements, and they always have, but that doesn't mean that he seethes with hate and malicious intent. I couldn't help but get angered by these obviously personal attacks, not due to their content, but due to the fact that I can't understand how a person could jump from simply being upset by something, to attacking everything from the roots of a persons' birth to the toothbrush that they use. It seemed ridiculous to me, not to mention completely overshadowing any attempt at constructive dialogue. Even still, just as he reminded me of that 13 year-old whenever he'd pull that stunt, I can't help but hop back into my old shoes and feel that old anger when it happens.

Strangely enough, even though I wish nothing but good things unto Harris and those he loves, I just can't help but continue to be somewhat off-put by that initial email. It's not water under the bridge yet... More like water 'near' the bridge. I think that once Harris and I sit down (alone and in person) and chit-chat, it'll pass.

What does all of this have to do with the holidays? Read between the lines, grasshopper.

Harris and I spent most of the holidays I can remember together in some fashion. Maybe we didn't see each other on Thanksgiving. Maybe we didn't see each other on X-mas day. He's still very strongly tied into each of my memories from those times. Not all of them were good. John and I were kids. We argued a lot. I have a lot of good memories about John, and I have a lot of bad ones. It's just the way of things. When these times near, it all comes flooding back to me, and Harris is at the top of the memory pile right now.

Luckily, most of the memories I have with John, even the bad ones, I think of in a nostaligic fashion. "Ah, the good ol' days". That kind of thing.

Lately, the only feeling I've gotten from my limited contact with him is some aggression, an apology, and then a whole lot of very little.

I think a perfect holiday season this year should include a sit-down with Harris. We don't have to talk about anyting serious. We have no more air to clear. I just need to see his face and shake his hand. We'll have a meal somewhere, discuss old times over tea and coffee, and part on good terms. Maybe then I can put the rest of my negativity away on the shelf. Until then, I guess "Old John" reigns in my memories.

My hope is that Harris reads this, and can see things from my perspective. I hope that he sees that I'm not complaining about his actions or asking for another apology. These are merely observations from within, observations that by all rights I should be able to express here, in my tablet of thoughts. Consider it as it has always been - a little venting along with a constructive observation. Other than straight-up bitching, that's about all you get when you come here.

Oh, and music. Did I mention that I got the new "G-Love and Special Sauce" release? It's like chewing bubble gum in the desert. Mmmm... crunchy gum. It tastes good, but has just enough dirt in it to remind you you're in the desert.

Translation: Two thumbs up. Not for everyone, but definetly for me.
:: Beni 11:50 PM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, October 01, 2003 ::
Subject: We Were Turning That Key Inside

I don't know how much longer I'll have this internet connection. My free trial ends fairly soon. That's okay, though. I'll be getting another service soon enough.

If I may be so bold as to break away from tradition, I'd like to be bitchy about one thing... Hold on a sec...

I can't believe they still haven't fixed this stupid ass connection!!! It's been over a month!!! Get off your lazy asses and fix it you fuckholes!!!

Okay, that felt good. Sometimes it's good to let out your pent-up emotions you know. ^_^

Seriously. They are expected to complete these work orders in a timely fashion. Too bad they got lost on the way here. They must have pulled out of the driveway and driven straight up their own asses, because I can't imagine how it's taken a month and a half and I still haven't heard anything.

Well, anyway, I can't really complain. As you can see, I haven't been spending much time on the computer. I've actually been spending a great deal of my spare time playing Wrestlemania XIX for my 'Cube. So much time, in fact, that I haven't had time to write up a review of it over at Confessions. That's since September 9th. Do the math. The game is that good. I'm actually contemplating not even truly reviewing it in the traditional sense. It's something that should be experienced. If you're a wrestling fan, it's a must-have.

Other than that tidbit, I do have some even better news. I have finally gotten my hands on Seal's new album (Seal IV). After listening through the album about a half dozen times since last night, I definetly can say that it was worth the wait. Seal made us wait even more than the usual four years between albums, but it was definetly worth it.

In case anyone is reading this who doesn't know me too well, I can safely say I'm the biggest Seal nut you're likely to meet. I have over twenty Seal CD's. Quite a feat considering the fact that he only has four full album releases. I have B-Sides and Rarities, Maxi-Singles and foreign releases. To say I'm a Seal fan is definetly an understatement. He's my hero. He is the most kick-ass man on the planet.

I was very fortunate when I went to the record store to buy this album. I was also able to aquire the Maxi-Single for the album as well, which is something I've never actually bought from a store physically. I've bought all of mine off of the internet (eBay, actually). It was cool to be able to pick them both up on the same day. I have had to wait to get this album until now, and my patience was rewarded... this album is fantastic.

He went old-school for this one. The cover art (specifically the track listing on the back) is reminiscent of the first album. Not only that, but the carefree attitude that came with the first album is back. Gone is the melancholy, brooding nature of his third release, "Human Being". I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, just that the internally reflective qualities of that album aren't present in this fourth release. He had a good time making this album, you can tell that right off the bat. It's good to hear him happy again.

The album is full of great songs, each of them a gem in their own right. From the upbeat 'Get It Together' and 'Let Me Roll' to the ballads like 'Love's Divine' and 'Touch', each song is Seal at his best. Trevor Horn's thumbprints are all over this album, but not so much as in the fantastically multi-layered sound in "Human Being". This album seems to be much more influenced by love and hope than anything else. Songs like 'Don't Make Me Wait' are so full of energy and hope, that you can feel his emotions straight through your headphones. That's nothing new for Seal, but it's always something special.

I'm already a big fan of the song 'Heavenly... (Good Feeling)'. Personally, although he had the least amout of fun making it, 'Human Being' is still my favorite album. I feed off of that soulful melancholy in a creative fashion, and the hundreds of layers of sound always get my mental juices flowing. It puts me in a good place. 'Heavenly' actually has many of the attributes that made me love 'Human Being' as a whole. It's like a little piece of that third album in this new one, and it even has a couple of samples from some unpublished works, like the songs he worked on with Pil.

As usual, I love each and every track on this album, and the order in which they are placed is perfect. Wouldn't change a thing. If I had to nitpick one thing, it would be that the reprise at the end of the album is painfully short, and it didn't fill me with the feeling of closure like the past two albums' reprises have done. It's only a nitpick, and it's simply because I believe that nothing is truly perfect.

Still, a masterful work from my favorite musician, Seal. May the years we wait for his fifth album be filled with the sounds he has already created, and may that time yield yet another masterpiece. Cheers.
:: Beni 11:28 PM [+] ::
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